security

I think in the new year, it's easy to get caught up in the moment - the changes, your ny's resolutions, snow... we set up lofty goals to achieve in the new year and come March, we hope that at least one resolution has been partly accomplished. These past two weeks, I've succumbed to my thoughts, my fears and basically my lack of self control over my mind games. When are the thoughts in your head legitimate and when are they simply games? How are you able to define what is right and what is wrong, what is real and what is fake? What is fleeting and what will last?

For some of you, I am rambling, for others - you have heard my fears and insecurities, so this blog entry makes perfect sense. In sum, how do I know when my fears and insecurities are truth or simply mind games my neurotic mind has conjured up? Of course there are reasons for our own insecurities and usually they seem to reside in us for quite a long time. For some, it take months even years of therapy to come to grips and peace with their own doubts and fears.

For me, trust and security are the two things I desire the most in any relationship. I think security is desired by most women from their significant other, friends and family. We want to feel secure in our relationships, financially, emotionally and physically. When that is broken - sometimes we are too. In my case, it was never broken I just fear the unknown. The chance of it being broken. When do you let go? When do you live life, securely, not knowing what the future holds? And how can one not get so anxious?

It's a control thing, I know. Is it possible for me to conquer my manipulative thoughts by simply "controlling" them? I feel as it were that easy, there wouldn't be stalker ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. There wouldn't be as many eating disorder cases and infidelity. No drug abuse or hate. So why is it, that it's easier for me to run a half marathon... but to push my haunting thoughts aside, takes more effort and pain than a 2 hour run?

I have no epiphanies or words of wisdom to share with you, just the fact that I have an amazing boyfriend who fights for me through these few but hard inner-battles and does everything he can to ensure me that the security of our relationship is of the utmost importance to him. And that is all I can really ask for.