reflections.

As many blogs reflect a person's journey in time, it also reflects how busy they have been by lack of posts or lack of interest. In my case it is not lack of interest, just lack of time. Spring always seems to bring out a frenzy in most - social obligations: showers galore, weddings to attend and unannounced trips to partake in. Sometimes I feel as if I'm so busy I don't have time to think or digest life's little curve balls thrown at me.

Lately, I've been discovering God's grace all over again. His grace over Joey and his health, over my health, over my family, the list goes on. This realization is two fold, not only have I rediscovered God's grace and love, but I've also seen my own sins, faults and pride. It's not unusual for me to be so self critical, especially as the seasons change - my attitude seems to as well. I hate how judgemental I can be. How short tempered I am and how forgiveness seems to be such a far reach for me. Unfortunately, grace is not a spiritual gift for me. I am constantly praying for it and to practice it. Quite often, I fail and I fail miserably. I eagerly accept it but withhold it when requested.

Trust is something I fail to give as well. Sometimes I feel as if I hardly understand the word. If there was a workshop for trusting other people and learning how to live by it, I would ace it...on paper. But living it out, that's another story. It's so hard for people to earn my trust. Once broken, I can't think of one person who has ever restored it. I have high standards for the people I actually care to love and listen to. I try not to have many friends so that I can give my full attention to the ones I have who are faithful and true. My standards are often high and sometimes unattainable, even for myself.

I don't know what in my life has caused me to have such a wall of armor around my heart. Ok, that's a lie, I do have a few ideas...but you would think time would heal all. Do I need to be more proactive in practicing grace? How do you change the condition of your heart and train it to be one way when its natural state is another?

Surely, loving someone truly (with grace, trust and kindness) isn't that hard, is it?