This past March, a girlfriend of mine sent me a link to a very cynical but very honest article about women settling for Mr. Good Enough.
Before you settle down to read this article, you may want to read it in the morning as opposed to the evening, as it may be a bit unsettling for some. And drink some coffee with it, too. Oh and have a biscotti.
Now, aside from this lady having conceived her son with donor sperm because she hadn't met Mr. Right yet (adoption anyone?), I can somewhat relate or at least understand where this middle-age woman is coming from.
At the beginning of the article, Lori Gottlieb wholeheartedly admits after becoming educated, landing that job and finding that beautiful Victorian home to call yours, at the end every woman - no matter how successful and ambitious she may be - feels panicked and insecure if she hits 30 and is unmarried.
Regardless of whether you are in New York City or living in Midtown Atlanta, there is something in our wiring that sends off the alarm in our head notifying our decaying eggs that they are in trouble if that ring isn't on your finger. Yes, I believe society and the media today has a lot of influence in the standards of when a woman "should" be married. But let's face it - through out time most women have been married in their 20's, hell even in their teens! It isn't until now that women are waiting longer and longer. Does that mean our society is progressing? Allowing women to achieve their ideal career, post poning children and love for ambition? Or is the opposite? Women and men finding less importance in family to achieve that perfect job and house before pro-actively seeking "The One".
Now, I know all 3 of you who are actually reading this will say, "But Monica, I do pro-actively seek my soul-mate AND work." I do believe that - however, I do think that there are more women who don't than do. And when they actually start looking for Mr. Right and letting themselves becomes available, they are 35, almost Partner at their law firm and completely alone. Time is no longer on their side as they begin to (from desperation) post profiles with on-line dating sites (which I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with, btw) in hopes to find Mr. Right and possibly little Suzie and Johnny.
In the end, is all of that success truly worth it when you have no one to share it with?
This brings me to my second point. When do you settle? And what is settling?
To begin with, the word, "settle" has such a negative connotation. On Merriam-Webster.com, "settle" is defined as, "to lay to rest". Are you simply giving up and picking the next guy with working sperm? Some may think so, however I do not. As Lorri mentions in her article, "Marriage isn't a passion-fest; it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring non-profit business. And I mean this in a good way." While she makes marriage sound completely un-sexy, well.... it kind of is. I don't think any person who has been married for over 25 years would tell you marriage is easy and always romantic. In fact, I think most people would say it's quite the opposite. So, why is it that when we look for our "Soul Mate" we look for those things that never last? We look for passion, physical beauty and romance. While all of these things are great - we all know they are fleeting and when these things eventually fade (and they will) what do we base our relationships on?
We base it on trust, mutual respect and joy - just like a partnership for a business. You have to trust your business partner and respect their opinions to come to any conclusions on how to run your corporation or in Lorri's case, a NPO. (in case you aren't getting the comparison - business = family) If you find no joy in running your business, you sell (divorce). But it's always remembering why you joined that company in the first place and what motivated you to start that NPO that makes you keep on going - giving you the joy you need to press on.
My parents just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. As far as I know, no infidelity, no divorce, no strip clubs, no booze = just commitment, the commitment learned through all of those three attributes I mentioned.
The media, today, paints this unrealistic picture of marriage and love - having us leave the movie theatre actually thinking that Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big have a relationship that will actually work out in the end (after 10 years of cheating, leaving and fighting). It doesn't. Not with the proper accountability and a realistic view of your relationship.
When do you settle? You don't. You look for the person who respects you and who loves you with the actual meaning of the word. You find someone you "intellectually respect, makes you laugh and who appreciates you". Looks will fade and so will the passion. Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that you can find that rare marriage filled with romance and all the gross mushy stuff you find in movies. But, it has to be a common desire between the two of you. If he isn't now - he sure as hell won't be after 3 kids and 1 dog later. So accept him for him instead of trying to change him.
Bottom Line: People change. My Dad once owned 2 motorcycles and did the most romantic things for my mother. He no longer drives his motorcycles (or owns one for that matter) and the sweet love notes have ceased - but it's been replaced by something better, respect and commitment.
You don't rush into marriage, finding yourself wearing your engagement ring on the opposite hand 6 months later, because you so badly want to get married and have failed to truly get to know the person. To be quite frank, you are in love with the notion of being "in love". And that means you shouldn't get married, until you snap out of it. On the flip side, you don't settle for a guy completely wrong for you. You think pragmatically (so un-sexy, I know). And if bouts of passion and fun come along the way - even better!
1 comment:
Hey! I found your blog! Hahaha.
Anyway, this made me think of stuff we've been talking about in my 18th century lit class. Marrying for love wasn't even a thought in the heads of a majority of society until the late 1700s, and it wasn't commonplace until the late 1800s. So much of it really was a business deal -- the uniting of property and the production of people to inherit that property. I think you're right about all of this...it's good to have passion and be "in love" at some point, but that will never last, and it's also more than possible that the people you're "in love" with would be the absolute worst people for you to marry because marriage is more about about stability and partnership and respect and affection than it is about passion. That doesn't mean passion is absent, it just means it's not the end all, be all. So, any time you marry anyone you're "settling," that's what marriage IS. To settle. Hehe. I think you're right in that we need it to be both things...yes, we need love, but we also need stability and someone who wants to partner with us in the effort of living. It's as much a social contract as it is a "romantic" one. I don't know that I personally would settle, because I don't feel like I'm the kind of person who definitely wants the marriage and babies deal without some kind of incentive, but then again, I'm still young enough that I don't feel that pressure and conveniently already have someone to marry if the pressure ever kicks in. ;-)
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