Moving On

Relationships.

They are the most complicated thing I have ever experienced. Just now in my early twenties am I able to truly appreciate my relationship with my parents. Throughout high school, college and now as a professional - I have gone through many friends, some long term, some solely for a season in my life. Only a handful have survived my dramatic ups and downs, walking with me the entire way. Of course, I have a lot to do with those people being in my life - you choose for those people to stay. And you choose for them to leave.

Then, of course, there are my past romantic relationships. Again, I chose for those to end - severing ties because it was the healthiest thing to do for me, him and the people actively involved in our lives.

Why is that some people have a harder time letting go, than others? By no means am I a cold hearted bitch. I see it as a very healthy outlook on life to be able to let people go. (With the exception of children - and even that gets kind of sticky. But that is neither here nor there.) If you are not able to "let that person go" I believe you have too much invested of yourself in that person. Taking the view of a romantic relationship - when things go sour and one person (or both) decide to end things, what is the right procedure?

There isn't one. Unfortunately, that is left to our good senses. What's even more unfortunate is that some people seem to lack good sense altogether! But, I digress. What do you do? When you break up with a person, do you break up with their family? Does the length of your relationship determine your devotion to that person (already broken up) and their family? What if another person enters into the picture? Is it disrespectful to keep close contact with his or her family? (I believe many of you know my personal answers to these questions, but I'll just keep my opinion out of it - to serve as food for thought.)

Also, when do you stop pursuing that person? When do you keep on letting them know that you are there for them or just get the hint and scram?

Why do we invest so much into other people? Well, that's easy - you are simply looking for a mate. There's an old saying, "You get what you put in". And it's completely true. The more invested into a relationship, the more you get out of it. But what happens when one person stops investing so much and the other just gives and gives? It's a recipe for disaster. And in the end, someone always gets hurt, no doubt.

The issue is not investing yourself into someone in fear that they may hurt you. The issue I bring up today is how to carry yourself when or if that does, in fact, happen. Unfortunately, I have seen many of my friends, myself included, in relationships that are very unhealthy for them. They continue to invest themselves into a significant other, even after a series of break ups or fights - always hoping it will get better. But, as we all know, it never does. It's at this point many people I know seem to loose it. Whether it's the lost of a companion or a loss of something inside of them that person took - they hurt. And it's completely natural and healthy to hurt.

It's when that person takes it too far - not understanding the boundaries of a break up - that my patience wears thin. Being loyal and being manipulative are two very different things in which the line in between can become blurry.

There two different types of relationships for people with addictions (i.e. Addicted to love or their significant other):

The first relationship has the person who suffers from an addiction. This person may turn to romantic validation from others or renews codependent relationship -- in either case without adequately addressing intimacy or self-esteem issues. The co-dependent finds validation through being needed and rescuing.

The second relationship is (throwing out an example) the love addict, who finds security being in a relationship and has a great fear of abandonment. The second person involved is the avoidant, who wants to be connected but their fears prevent them from becoming incredibly close. These people may find it hard to say no or to refuse, ultimately becoming a push-over. The avoidant may show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because the love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”. The avoidant may fear they will never make into a relationship otherwise. If the avoidant finally ends things, it is very common for the cycle of abandoning and returning to go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on.

Now, I give you these examples to show you how easy it is for any person (with an addiction or without) to easily fall into one of these categories. I have seen many females stick with their man who is suffering from whatever it may be and wind up finding their validity in being needed from that person. When that person improves and realizes they no longer need that person to be "ok" or "better", the co-dependent is hurt and uses their "loyalty" as a bargaining chip for staying together. Manipulative? Absolutely.

Then, you have that person, once in a relationship - nothing else exists. They find their self-worth in their significant other. Their devotion and almost addiction to the relationship keeps the other person (who may want to get out) in, fearing they will hurt the other person's feelings. In turn, the avoidant withdrawals even more. The addict panics - clawing his or her way in - trying to get some sort of affirmation their significant other still wants to be with them.

Sounds complicated? That's because it is. But even though these examples sound like a straight up soap opera - I can name at least 5 relationships off the top of my head that fall into these two categories. Why is it so common? Because we are human.

I don't think you are an awful person if you fall into any of these categories - I just think it is very important to be self aware. We must understand that our actions (whether you are the breaker upper or the breakee, the addict or co-dependent) have long lasting effects. Stop lying to yourself and to others. Stop being the saint/martyr. In the end you wind up hurting yourself the most. It is how you choose to handle your loss that makes you a better person. Know your boundaries, know when to let go and most importantly... know when to move on.

Easier said than done, I know. But whoever said life was easy?